● @ Saturday, July 14, 2007 ●
phew. felt so really relieved after i've sent the Proj work interview file!!! you know right.. all because of that file, my dad spent an hour trying to figure out how to transfer the fiel to teh computer, and half an hour to transfer it as the battery of the sound recorder kept switching off and he had to transfer it again and again. and after that, when he passed the file to me earlier, its my nightmare turn. i spent an hour and a half, trying to send the 20MB file to find out that its too large a file to be sent. following that, i've to learn from my dad how to cut a 20MB music files into smaller pieces. and following that, i faced some problems which made me mad. and after that, i had problems saving teh individual files which wasted lots of my time. and finally, i had to send the 4 files to my group members which took quite some time too. well, throughout the whole process. i kept thinking of teh letters " f u c k " and kept saying it letter by letter in my head. well, no vulgarities isnt it. i said it letter by letter. not the entire word. lol. lame. well, of cus its my fault that i've wasted so much time since its me who volunteered to record the interview, and i could have used something else liek a mobiel phone. a technology more advance. but still, i think i'm ok with it after all, as i've learnt how to cut a music/ video file into smaller fragments! yea! haha.. moreover, its time i contribute more to teh group.
i think i suck a lot. when i'm a group leader, i tend to do everythig myself asking little help from otehrs. good in a way as it shows independency but its also bad as it shows that i've little faith in others, and tend to eb overly smug and cofident about self. and at the end of the day, i complain to myself that teh otehr group members have contributed little to he proj. BUT.. when i'm just a member and not a group leader, i tend to slack! so its really not surprising if teh leader finds me not contributing anything isnt it. anotehr e.g. if ppl dont come for MY meetings, i get really cross. but when i'm told to come for a meeting by another leader, i am really hesitant to come. therefore in conclusion, kelly chua KL sucks. but i'm trying to change recently ok.. altough i've been attending all meetings and doing my assigned work. but its still v unsatisfactory in my eyes, if i'm teh leader.
summer tests. i er.. got 4 Donkeys, 1 Elephant and 1 U grade. in short, i passed 5 subj and failed 1. look, nicholas. you can stop cursing me. lol. but as you can see, my passes are really mediocre. too mediocre and lousy. it makes me really worried about my admission to teh university. to make matters worst in some way, my dad started discussing other alternatives for me should i fail to do well in my A levels, and is unable to enter my desired courses. but i think teh worst nightmare for myself these days is this idea- having to go to the 3-year polytecnic course after completeing my 2 yeasrs of JC education. won't that be disastrious should that happen??? so its my BIGGEST nightmare. but on a positive note, at least my dad's horrifying discussion with me will serve as a *what ar??! oh crap. i leant that word it in O level literature & now i've returned it to the teacher* reverse pyschology?? groans. what horrible english term is that. ok nvm. anyw, one of the worst opinion i can have on one, is when they try using a chim word really confidently, but inappropriately. i will like give the person a glare, look away, blink my eyes 2 times, and bite my lips. i thik its a bad habbit. haha..
ya so in short, i've scored terribly and i'm concerned about my future; terribly concerned about it. and i got a D for my GP. i'm suffering a heart ache from it laa. sad.. but right, i was irritated. an addition of one mark could have gotten me a C. so much nicer a grade. sigh.. but after taking a few GP essay tests, i am severly disheartened. it looks so really tough to get a C grade or better for content laaaa!! much as i enjoy writting an expository essay, its still very disheartening... sigh. but i'm just glad that i've the intense interest in writting GP essays. thus it seems more likely for me to be determined to find ways to improve my grade.
chem is the one that left me a U. goodness gracious for that subject. you know what? i hate it a lot now. and my dad suggested me to get tuition for that subject. i am however very sceptical about it as i always feel that tuition teachers are just repeating after your subject teacher in school. so its rather pointless in stashing some cash to them, making them have a repeat broadcast of your teacher's teachings... but i view that my first way to counter-measure teh problem is to develop interest in the subject! and this proves to be the biggest challange of all, to me myself and i. lol.
so my atrocious results has landed me in a lifeless state. i was like drifting from point to point in school and not smiling and talking much, i'm not exactly depressed, but just in my own world. and to add some weight ito my problem, i was reminded of my failed relationship problem, after listening to lkelly clarkson album. so that makes me more dead than ever and i think i am giving others a even more unfriendly look to the people around me.. perhaps i've created some enemies due to that. like ppl think i dont like them? cus i think i look really unfriendly when i dont smile and just stare at the person. cus ppl are avoiding my gaze when i look at them.. duno la. whatever it is, i just want to say here that my mood is just not right. and its not that i dont liek you or what OK? ok. lol.
i heard a news from joel on wednesday night which made me go rather sour. he told me that he broke up with me partly because i kept pestering him for an ans that time. he was seriously weighing the choices until i kept pestering him, and he couldn't think much and thus just gave me the ans directly. so there was actually a chance! so i felt so sour la. after that.. knowing that it was my fault that has increased teh probability of me being in this current state now.. hai.
however thur late morning was a much cheerful one for myself! he replied my sms about something and it was really really promising and a positive one. i was so delighted and gleeful after reading it la. cus i am improving ma. about some issues. woot! well, i will know teh confirmed ans again probably next month, when he's back from his India trip. haha.. but its really positive and it cheered me up tremendously.
anyway, i joined the CCA called InnoV8. ok la.
today. i told myt dad this : " my brotehr is detrimental to my studies today." and i really mean it. i couldn't concentrate studying while he's in my room laaaaaaa.. cus my mum placed him under my care today, and my da'ds in the office. arghz...
my mum made me so upset today till i cried. :( she accused me of influencing my bro about something and i really did not do it! and i felt so hurt la. here i am determined in portraying my love for her, and then she spoke of an unfounded accusatio to me today. felt so bitterly hurt by her words. but i've decided firmly that since love is unconditional and since she's my mum after all, i will render unconditional love towards her. and to be tolerant of her remarks to me. afterall, she does not mean what she says most of the time. esp those hurtful words. so well, lets forgive and forget.
i saw the term 3 and term 4 calender yesterdy and was shock to see how little time there is, before our mid-course exam (final year). its appalling. in less than 4 weeks to the start of term 4, one will be needed to sit for the end of year papers! oh no! :( i felt so dismayed but othankful that at least i'm realising it now, before its too late. i thus feel that instead of looking forward to next month where i will know the outcome between joel and i, i should really really concentrate hard on my studies manz. not to ponder on unnecessary and irrelevant thoughts.
and one thing i really wish to comment. i think IJC or perhaps otehr JC's has a bad culture. that is that because there are quite a huge number of retainees' for year 1, year one students including myself, are worried about teh facr if one would be able to get promoted- that is to score 2 H1 and H2 PASSES. the requirements may be difficult to be attained in view of some like myself at times. however, think about it. even if you get 2 H1 and 2 H2 PASSES, would you be able to qualify into a course in the local universities? needless to mention your desired course.
thus i feel that factors such as the huge umber of year 1 retainees from the previous year, has possibly led to the short-sightedness in teh other students. such that their aim is to pass their 4 subjects, instead of looking at the ultmiate aim in a college, that's to enter into uyour desired course in teh uni. well as for myself, i'm trying my best to swerve from the aim of just having mediocre passes in the 4 subjects.
its due to these thoughts that's making me feel so miserable when i'm in school. sometimes i just feel that i don't belong to a college. but well i am encouraging myself that its just a year one mid-yr exam and its only the first hurdle to cross, despite how important i view it as.
and my weekdays are getting more worrisome these days. my target is to sleep at 10.30pm every night every weekday which simply deprive me from my studyingi hours at home. on mondays and tuesdays, lessons ends at 6pm. reach home, 7.15pm like that. shower then eat and finally settle down? would be approximately 8.30pm. oh how merry. 8.30 - 10.30pm of studying. sounds really slack in my point of view but thats really detrimental to my studies. i really dont know what to do about that. and i've just joined a cca. and that cca ended after 6pm for this week, making me freak out.
so to catch up on my studies, i'm studying in the bus every morning before i reach school. lol. from my house till bukit panjang, which would be about 30 mins in that 55 min bus ride.. soudns nerdy but i dont think i am. teh fact taht i'm studying in teh bus, shows how lazy i am at home as i'm sleeping so early... :(
enough of my crap crap and crap. ya anyway i ate STINGRAY with my dad last saturday! ehh... did i say this in my previous entry? i dont know. but my fingers seemed to have typed that before. but still, it was a memorable experience so i just wish tos ay that i ate the really delicious and sumptious meal last week. lol.
anyway after listeningi to kelly clarkson album once every single day ever since my purchase of her album, i feel that all her songs are fab.! i love these songs:
Don't waste your time
How I feel
Haunted
Maybe
Irvine
and not forgetting her hit singles,
Never Again &
Sober!!
(:
love all these songs. i would love to play these songs on my blog but... the lyrics are rather inappropriate for the situation that i'm currently in, since thursday.. haha.. well i'm not exactly certain that they will happen, but there's a possibility and i think i'm doing fine on the task, as its been in-built in me recently. after e inccident a few mths ago. its a fact.
enough for today!
really hope that my week to come would be a much more promising one..
but then again, its the mentality of one, that creates one's own day isnt it.
anyway i'm really busy lately. much more owrk and tests coming up and with proj work..
"enthusiasm & interest"- my new motto! (:
Savour Every Moment
