● @ Monday, March 19, 2007 ●
It is s all about choices.
I was just wondering lately why I’ve been discovering this split personality of mine. Being multi-faceted is another issue but I’m not discussion about it as I’m currently not so much of a multi-faceted person. But I just find myself being a completely opposite person now as compared to the past in terms of studying habits and attitude towards studying? Call me thick-skin but I must say that I was diligent in the past. So much so that I currently hate myself for being that way in the past. I felt that I could have gotten the same o level results if I’ve studied much much lesser that actual. I still stand by this opinion till today, although I’m trying to change that mentality. That’s cus it’s due to this thought, that leads to me believing that I should not study so hard for the upcoming A levels, and hence not taking it seriously.
That was the mentality that I set for myself, each morning I go Innova JC. Ever since the afternoon I collect my O level results in Tanglin. I found it pointless to ever study so hard. And till now, I dislike the phrase “try again”. I detested it originally but I’ve recovered to finding it “just another old and redundant phrase”. I felt that I tried really hard and desperate for my AM. Mrs koh and myself told me not to give up. And I never did. Hopes falter when I see those unsatisfactory results test after tests. I never lost hope on myself till the very day I collected my AM O level results- the final test of all the sheer hard work that I had placed into. I had gotten a B3. my hopes were shattered. I saw my grade as a failure and that diligence brings one to no use.
Well, here I am now trying to influence myself (saying it out helps for me) that diligence does not necessary means its of no use. I was thinking of it briefly earlier whiel reading my chem. Notes and I felt that perhaps getting a B3 for my AM, myself landing in IJC is the best choice for myself. It’s the best route available for myself, and giving me some other grades or JC will only reduce me to misery.
I guess its enough of my AM. But I will just have to say that my AM grade is something that I will not forget in my lifetime. I fear trying too hard. My impression is that it will just hurt me, just like what my O level Additional Math results did to me. Don’t ever doubt my diligence in AM in sec. 4. J (what a sarcastic smile).
I’m saying this as it’s a problem that I want to ask someone. So it’s a reminder for myself. Haha.. but honestly, I think the effects of this “failure” is adverse as its affecting my motivation in the A level studies.
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And ya. One thing. Its already 3 months is Innova JC and I can’t stand it. Every morning to IJC will simply bring back the memories of my o level results. I would always be like so abash? Telling myself that “I’m here because I can’t make it to any other better JC’s……” wa liaow. I tell you, I hate the thought every morning and its difficult oppressing it. And I just can’t bring my head up you know. When I walk past thos JJ students in the bus stop. Arghz. I know its the same as Tanglin sec. but I guess the fact that JJ is my dream schhol for 4 years, has a tremendous impact on me. Wow.. jj must be really happy if they know that ppl are so desperate to enter…. *roll eyes*
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As I was saying earlier… about choices.. well I guess its more of the choices that you make that will make who you are today. It is not your background, education status or et cetera that matters. I believe that its who you choose to be. Do you wish to procrastinate your work or to be diligent and responsible in your work? All these are choices and they, are the factors that will determine who you are at the end of the day. Not your background or school and et cetera.
Er I think right.. if you’ve been reading the whole entry so far, you wil realize that I’m in a dilemma in terms of my mentality in work. At the start, I was being rather pessimistic, suggesting that I shouldn’t be diligent. But now, I am being optimistic, proclaiming that it’s one’s choices that matters at the end of the day! Haha.. I’m in a mind of two worlds..
Savour Every Moment
