● @ Friday, September 22, 2006 ●
Feeling quite free yesterday and today. This weekend shall be a break fo me! Time for me to relax, reflect and refresh myself for the upcoming preparation for O Levels which is in 5 weeks time. 5 weeks is a relatively short time and I am not prepared for my O levels. Usually.. I would be very paranoid upon reminding myself so. But I’m not feeling so at the moment. Perhaps its cus it just feel much better to feel paranoid over your own problems instead of being pissed over others overly exaggerated criticims plus accusations.
Some were criticms which I will agree. But some are realy accusations lor. I felt very aggitated and wanted to blow up earlier upon readings ome ppl’s blog posts about me. I wanted to and was on the verge to. But I stopped myself and think. I should try to consider tehir reasons for saying such stuff abt me instead of being so annoyed and pissed off over their words w/o thinking abt their reasosn for doing so isn’t it? sigh.. cus all of us agree to things or say such stuff for a reason isn’t it.
I reflected and yup. I am arrogant. Actually I duno how many times I’ve been hearing this le la! About me being arrogant. I’m becoming more conscious over my words these days to others. Esp to those who ae more distant to me and come from more traditional families. That was what mrs lee told me. She said that most chinese families are so traditional that they will be extremly conscious over what others think of them, and thus being extremly humble, so humble that they bring themselves down. I reflected and agreed.
Like mrs koh mentioend once. The ang-mohs will tell the employer all their strengths and not abt their weaknesses, but not the chinese. The chi will be so humble that they will feel embarrassed to admit to their strengths and to instead to express their weakness to make themselves feel ‘better’. That is to make themselves feel less great. I am one of the culprits at times and that makes me ponder.
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Why do we have to feel better by lowering ourselves down? I simply don’t understand. Can’t others be confident of themsleves??? I admit that I am arrogant and some of the words that I sa are far too much. I admit. Esp when I spoke to lyefong which was why she couldn’t tolerate me la. So for that I understand. But other than those tiems which I was really arrogant which I will agree that I shouldn’t have done so, there are times which I feel that it’s fine for me to do that, and to say that. I’m saying abt others words; not hers.
I don’t understand and I really don’t. think I will ever understand. Why is it that I have to be soooooooooooooo paranoid over others opinions of me? Yes I am self-conscious, coscientious over others opinion of me. But why do I have to be so paranoid about their opinion of me? This is resulted cus I am hearing a thousand and one criticisms of me over my dressing, my words, my actions and even my social life. And you know what I ended up doing?? I was so afraid of others critcisms of me that if I score well, I will hide my mks and if I don't, i will show it openly. it's wth lor.
WHY must i hide my mks when i score well and show it openly when i score badly? Why do I have to give others a saaad face when i score well, give ppl a happy face when i don't???? why do i have to lower down my voice to tell my freind if something nice or good has happened to me???? its simply cus i am so worried over other critcising me, talking behind my back. And that makes me wonder if its me who is being overly paranoid or it’s the society that’s causing me to be like this.
Why and why??? I am sick of this whoel thing. Why can’t I just be myself? If I be myself, in a few mths time, I will hear others talking ill about me and I don’t want to hear that? So okay. I have made a mistake and I will try to mend my ways to fit into the society? To make others happy? Or do they feel happier if I do all my bullshit ways and allow them to say me? I suppose they do. So ok. I conform to the society, acting this damn way. I have to try to change my way of walking cus I walk like a ‘model’, try to change my voice cus I sound too confident and its bringing the confidence of others down?????
Its what the hell lor. I tell u, I wont change my voice for the sake of otehrs lor. I duno how I may sound to u guys now. Furious I guess. But I am crying nowl lor. And feeling angry lor. I don’t udnesrand. But one thing I hate the most is having to lower my voice when saying positive things that have happeed to me. It’s the extreme most that I can go lor. if you hate the sight of me, too bad for you. But I find it extremly sickening that I have to lower my voice when saying happy stuff. It’s freaking mad for myself lor.
Can’t I be confident of myself?? Why must my confidence turn into arrogance into the eyes of otrhers?? I really feel like saying everything sia. Hai.. ok. Let me justs ay this first. I am not accusing anyone today ok. I’m just saying the general opinion of others of me. And now I’m trying to make ppl happy, make myself conform to the society. Why do I have to be so paranoid about what otehsr think of me?? Why is it when the teacher asks for the highest mks, I have to be sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo afraid of what others will thnk of me if I raise my hand high? Why do I have to hesitate deliberately, and then slowly and raising my hand in a v low way as though I’m so embarrassed to be the highest???? It is what the h.e.l.l.
And I hate it when I have to act sad in front others who are not my close friends, if I have to tell them that I do well for a class test or what. Its what the hell lor. I hate it. And why do I have to later say an “oh oh” to myself after rendering my help to a teacher so openly in class???? Cus others will say abt me. I heard it and some of them are pass and pass until it reaches my ears. What the what lor. why cant I voice out my opinion openly????
Is there anything wrong with rendering your help openly? Not say I do it in a very stuck-up way or what lor. I diddnt criticise anyone lor. just cus I voice out, otehrs are unhappy. What do theyw ant manz. Why gove me thaaaaaaaaat kind of looks just because our eyes meet???? Why? I diddnt do aything wrong! Why give me that kind of looks when I suddenly voice out during the bio practical that I do not have the apparatus required? Why give those kind of looks tt are so full of malice??? I feel like confronting them one day when they give me those kind of looks again manz. Ask them “can u tell me what the hell is wrong?” I know you are smart.. your’re the brightest kid in town and no one can deny that, not even me. But you don’t have to act so dao right. And the other one even worst. Not even the top few. I am higher than her in the class posi (I cant say that right? Sorry lor), so she isn’t that great to give me that kind of looks everytime our eyes meet lor. the dislike for her is intensfied each tiem she gives me that kind of looks for no reason at all. So what the beep lor. and moreover, she’s a HYPOCRITE who smiles at me even when she hates me and talsk soooooooooooo much bad stuff abt me behind my back in the past.
I can mend my ways and be so despo to make others happy by trying to be more humble, try to look abashed upon telling otehrs that I’ve done well for my tests *rolls my eyes*. But let me tell you, I don’t think I can be tolerant to please others for so long. I hope I don’t have to try to act more stuff in future. Actually I say here also no use la. Hai…. Cus almost everyone who is my member of my blog are ok or still tolerant of me ba.. I hope so. Hai. I shan’t ponder so much abt this issue cus I don’t want to thin of it. Hai..
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hmm.. I feel better after typing those, saying it all out on my blog for the first time. Hai.. but actually I am not learning from my mistakes la. Cus some ppl critcise for others own good. I am aware of that. It’s just that I hear too many criticisms pouring to me all over the place, which is making me sick of it and therefore ‘rebellious’.
But if you notice, the ppl who are receiving the most criticsms are those who are open and voice out their opinions openly. And those who are leaders of certain things. For e.g. whatever the class chairman does, teh whoel world will know and thus criticise him right? so in short, whoever who's most open will be teh victim of criticisms.
So whats the conclusion?? Is the conclusion that the one who is most open with their view and voices it out most openly, the victim of criticisms?
And ya. I wana continue with my complains. What is wrong with me being a workaholic and hence study day and night? Is there anything wrong with that? Is there anything wrong with me studying so hard and the gardes does not show up despite all that? Go ahead symapthising with me or celebrating that for all I know. But isn’t that suppsed to be my problem or probably my joy or success? Isnt all that my business?
Back to my conclusion. So… are we supposed to be very quiet in our ways and actions? Actually… I’m trying the silent way now.. for something la. I find that better. By doing that, I will reduce criticms and yet, its beneficial to me in certain ways. What is it, I shan’t say. It’s evil of me, but it does not harm to anyone ar.. cus I tot ppl… ok. I beter shut up. Waha. Tell u guys one fine day if I want to. Lol.
Ya.. what I was trying to say is that.. the thing that I’m trying out this days, the silent way is quite evil of me actually. So therefore, to avoid criticsms is to be less vocal and not allow others see what you’re doing right?? Isn’t that the conclusion that is appearing to be so? But isn’t being vocal and secretive in ur ways, actually being evil? So thus, to make others happy and hence reducing the criticsms that they say of u, be evil towards them by being silent in ur ways.
This may or sound quite crappy cus I put it in a vague way but it isn’t to me. Think harder and you will get what I mean. Waha.. ;) but I don’t lie la. What I say is what I do.
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And anyway, I dun betray others or break others’ promises lor. I only broke one person’s promise actually…. And that is jensen chan. And sway sway he tell the whoel world.. and concluded that I do that to everyone???? Its er… I nothing to say. Cus we are not friends for even once lor. I broke his promises to comprimise for a friend which is sq la. Cannot ar.. cus he’s not my friend ma. That’s why I broke his la! Diao manz… he duno is dumb or what la.. duno that I don’t treat him as a friend or what and therefore broke his promise lor.. hai.. another misunderstanding. And er.. dunxin also felt the same way?
Nelson said that I break everyone’s relationship making em so damn pissed I tell u. he was refering to lyefong-dunxin one plus shuqing-jensen’s one????! I was so pissed!!! And jensen confronted me with that, making me even more pissed further. Aie hello.. you mean I broke my best friend's relationship?? Isnt tat a big betrayal of me?? Iw as like hopping mad I tell u. this accusation is so great that I doubt I can ever forgive whoever who believes this manz.
Abd sq-jensen one.. er.. sq doesn’t like him in the first place. So how the hell can I betray their er… ‘relationship’???? its so lol manz. And I criticised to her abt him way before I knew that he liked her lor… lame manz… jensen chan is soooo lame… haha.. so I can hope he can stop saying that I broke his relationship with sq cus its s lame and he’s so blur. He thinks tt its all my fault that sq doesn’t like him cus of what I say of him what the beep lor. He has himself to blame. And the most ironical part of all is that he says that I am really arrogant, when I was the one who says that he is. So lame man! I may be arrogant, but I think he is far worst than me lor. I don’t jump around saying that I am the highest for what lor when no one even asked him at all lor.
Shan’t cite any more e.gs liao la. Cus I sick, and really sick of seeing ppl cite e.g.s of others behaviour. And one thing I hate the most, is others quoting abt others negative words. Like what dunxin did. He quoted the whole chunk of nazri’s blog entry and criticised almost every single phrase of it?????? What the hell manz. I cant imagine how heartless he is. And to make matters worst, its nazri expression for his love towards a girl! Goodness.
What dunxin was trying to say is that naz is not sincere in his love for the girl lor. Imagine how pissed naz will be upon seeing dunxin spoiling his whoel intention of making the girl like him lor. I felt so disgusted by dunxin’s lack of understanding and feelings manz. Hai.. I really have no idea why there are such ppl out there. And to make matters worst, it’s a public blog and the whoel world can see how affectionate nazri is. Isn’t that so embarassing?
Enough of talking abt others. Hai… I’m guilty abt talking ill of others too. But I hope I wont be too unreasonable towards otehrs la. Hai..
I cant imagine my break time is to complain all day long. Haha… let me say of the happier stuff which happened to me a few days ago. Haha…
I went to my dad’s office last sat. and he bought me a small little brown chest. It looks a lil’ obiang but I like its function. J I placed all my ear rings, necklaces, bracelets (almost all) and sam’s ring into it. J it looks much neater and nicer! J but I realise that I buy many necklaces and bracelets but I seldom wear them. Cus there are many which I have bought a year or 2 ago.. but I have only wore them abt less than 5 times. There’s one which i have only wore once and another is only twice. quite i see no reason why i have to doll myself up everytime i go out la. a bit sianx.. teh whoel process.
and on that day, my dad bought sting ray for our dinner at Queensway market. one each. J its so nice!! cus ive not eaten for abt 2 years le. haha.. and after that i found out that at queensway shpg centre, ring binding is only 2 bucks! woot!
Savour Every Moment
