● @ Tuesday, August 15, 2006 ●
well.. i'm like quite pissed now? but.. thinking again, i know i shouldn't. sigh.. well.. i'm in a dilemma. should i make myself continue feeling angry with that person as i am mistakened, which will most prob make that person feel happier to be unknown of anything... or should i..... make myself feel better but sacrificing that person? cus.. that will naturally make that person in rage if he knows that truth. yes; the truth. sigh...
there is one thing that i must say: pardon a person for their actions or behaviour when they are in rage or depression. When a person is in sucha stage, i'm certain most of you would know that he or should would not be at the right mind, able to think senesibly and logically. I told a few yesterday, that i made a rash decision that very night. I accepted a guy as my BF? that was cus my teh other friend was talking to me online and he was willing to kill me and i was tempted by it. but meanwhile, there is teis other guy who sort of talked me out, making me feel better?
and while chatting with this guy, he made me realise that there is one unexplored area that i've yet to discover. that is to have a bf? omg. i'm sounding so stupid. that doesn't sound liek me isn't it. i just find it all sounding so childish, insensible and rash of me. I can't imagine how the hell (really how the hell) mrs jacob and mrs koh would think of me shoudl i tell them this and who this guy is?? OMG. cus they dont like him la..
but really! i was too rash. and after that day, i was out of depression mood. why.. cus i felt disturbed by the fact that "i am now his gf". i felt so unprepared and troubled? i felt that this is the worst decision that i had ever chosen in my entire life. it was just a few hrs later; when i wanted to back out from the relationship? i made a regret. but i was too abashed and flustered to back out. i felt that i was... well.. something. i wont say. you wana know, you will have to ask me. really. and i will tell you.. that's for the girls in my blog plus nic la. cus its an outrageous act and i am ashamed of it.
hmm... looks like ii really cant say why i feel misunderstood. sianx.. to do that, i will have to say the part above about me feeling that i am.. what.. aiyah. i duno how to continue liao. i'm stuck and i have no face to say this now on my blog? sigh.
after reading that person's blog, i was angered. he had obviously want the class to know isn't it. hai.. but i just hope that he won't continue that? cus i have a line which i refused to say, which will naturally anger him. hai.. but i'm ashamed of it!! i find it very... er.. bitchy? hai.. i'm ashamed of myself for acting so rashly, childishly and most importantly, INSENSIBLY. :(
why was i wiling to be his gf? well.. as i've said; when a person is not in the right mind (i had severe suicidal thoughts at that point of time), anything can happen. i certainly hope that i can learn from this mistake made and prevent myself froma cting so foolishly. but i will not forget what he said about me dumping him last time and "now it's my turn". that sort of meaning. i will not forget that. cus.... that is NOT TRUE okay. i blood boils everytiem i think abt that. why? haha... i cant say lor.. its all the same line that i'm am avoiding to say here. haha.. i shouldnt be laughing right.. sigh.. cus its an awfuly bitchy act of mine; or so i feel. :(
Kelly's guilty.
oh! i almost forgot to add one very important fact: we have gone onto separate ways just this morning. haha.. =X
and horx.. keeping quiet about this is issue is greatly appreciated, my dear readers.
to you:
1. sorry to have hurt yuo so many a times. hai.. I'm really sorry about that.
2. Thanks for comforting me, and trying your best to help me. i appreciate it.
i just realised something? i am er.. not very the.. er.. affected. paisei. BUT. i felt that i should not have allowed something. hai... i did think abt it for a while in class today, asking myself why i am not really affected? well.. i must say that it's prob cus i forsee it and i had wanted it er.. the night i accpeted? hai.. and also, i did put the heart into the relationship. commitment not placed in; that was the prob i realised a week after accepting. hmm.. but i wasn't willing to put in much.
I personally feel that if you are proud to have your bf/ gf, you shouldn't have a low profile one. having a low profile relationship simple suggest that you are guilty of being together OR you are afraid of what otehrs may think of your relationship (do they approve? crappy as it may sounds.. but tts whats sadly happening in our society today. ppl giving their own opinions abt otehrs relationship when its not even their business? anyway i think i am guilty of tt too. but tts what happening today ma.. hai.. ). OR you find it very humiliating to be with him or her OR you find it distracting to be togetehr lor..
that was what i reflected on last weekend. and i wanted to just say that i can't take it any longer? cus.. i dun wana say here. ask me lor.. haha... ya. so.. i just felt that i cant take it any longer and i was sort of relieve today, when it is all finally over. a rash, insensible and childish decision is finally cleared? wow.. phew. i was liek so afraid to break it to him lor.. and i am glad that he wasn;t that comfortable being with me too anyway. so.. gd! at least my blunder is covered up! phew..
enough of him.. i just feel so appalled with my own decision like most of you will should i tell you who my bf once was. meanwhile i think he wana let the whole world know who his gf once was right... haha.. i have nothing to say?
if you guys wana confirm withme who that guy is, you can ask me. and be horrified or what soever. haha.. its ol with me as i am already feeling soooooooo embarassed after reading his blog entries? cus..... it is so damn obvious that its kelly chua lor. what the hell. he did that deliberately for i told him not to add a word teh other time and he still added that word. ya lor..
but i shouldnt be too hard on himla. hai. he still helped me and i ought to be thankful of that.
learning point from that relationship: think thorughly before accepting. when you're not in the right mind, dont make any important decision. leave it to later!
cus.. Krelian (look at my tagboard) is him. yeap.
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enough of him. haha.. well.. my days these days are very tiring.. have been sleeping late. i was shocked that i did quite well for one of my tests today? teh one o statistics. cus.. i did not study for any math tests and i will not. i told mrs koh le.. she said ok. so.. i'm rather surprised that i was stil able to do rather well w/o studying. but that doesnt mean that i need not study as my other tests ae not up to scratch la. just that i am really amazed that i pass every test, sometimes w/o even readinga word of the topic before hand?
but. her standard of each tests are... er.... very very low. thats all i can say. perhaps she has done what she hopes to do la. that is to give confidence to the class. which seems to be working since almost 10 ppl or more get distinction for each and every test. and tehre would be one who gets full mks. but im not seizing this opportunity to score la. i have other beliefs. so.. i'm sticking to my own revision; i told her that lor.
i think i really need to go le. wana chiong through my work. cya!
Savour Every Moment
