● @ Monday, July 31, 2006 ●
where has all the 'cheerfulness' and the driving force/ determination in me now? it looks like i'm disappointing teh ppl around me lately.. i just feel so bad. hai.. lit hw always makes me feel awful. i'm wrestling with myself. in teh conscious mind, i hate the huge amt of hw she's giving. but yet sub-consciously, i know i have to do it. hai.. anyway i duno what's up with mrs jane chng. she keeeeeeeeeeeeeps saying my name ever since teh day we chatted a few times through sms? only about a total of 5 - 6times?
from that day onwards, which is after hols, she keeeeeeeeeeeep saying my name. suddenly asking "kelly you okay?" etc.. she will suddenly say this in the middle of teh class... so wierd! I'm okay okie. as though i have some [rob. she doesn't know that i wana commit suicide la.. but she's acting as though she knows lor.. so paisei. i wonder what will happen if she knows sia.. that would be the end of me manz. maybe she'll end up screaming her head off at me.. who knows. i duno why.. i hate attention these days.. hai.. i get so abashed when so many ppl knows that i'm being counselled!! arghz.. hai.. so paisei lor.. i fidn it so wierd..
hai.. my day sucks. i just feel so full of angst in me
i duno what to say liao la. hai..
anyway i went out to JE lib to study with jaime.. my chatting with her is nice. i know more abt the religion on Christianity today! :)
anywa, i found out today that there are ppl who are not members in my blog or ive not personally told, who knows that i wana commit suicide! i was feeling so freaky manz.. omg! hai.. anyway i am upset today as someone contemplated suicide yest. she actually did. she took 16 pills but diddnt die la. she told me and i immediately told ms portia who brough her to the doc at abt 12 plus till 2 this morning? ya. that was why teh counsellor asked to look for me this morning.. i didnt look for her..
on my way home, i met nicholas and we ended up eating dinner together. i was feeling rather sad initially.. so i'm pretty glad to eat with someone.. insetad of eating alone at home. and he managed to cheer me up a little.. thx nic. hai....
i duno what else t say. now i dun feel like cotemplating suicide. i am not meant to leave so early. but yet again, my heart simply feels so heavy now. my mood sucks a lot now. and i feel that i sucks to teh core. i have already wasted 3 wks and if i am gg to waste 4 wks, i promise u guys, will FREAK out. let me say what i sent to mrs lee: "I don't understand what's the problem. i see no major problems now- maybe its cus my brain is dead. i have no urge to commit suicide. but yet, i am now feeling very down, little interest in anything and a slight feeling of sadness. i duno whats the prob!". i'm typing this cus its what i wana say lor.. anyway she's quite worried for me today an di duno why.. hai.. shld someone be so caring towards me a few mths ago, i woudl have love it. but now, i feel so numb. hai.. i think i'm deaas alreafy.
how sad.. to live in this world of sadness and yet knowing that i'm not gg to leave this world. hai.. so dont worry.. i have decided to stay here and i will still stay here. hai.. i'm just feeling sad. hai... anyway i prefer this. feeling depressed w/o suicidal thoughts. its less scary. hai..
today is teh last day of the month. i'm so pissed. hai..
but mrs koh cheered my mood up this morning. she sent me an sms telling me that she lost her voice and she wants me to tell the relief teacher some stuff.. she just cheers me up. hai..
last thing: Kelly Chua Kai Ling sucks. cus i haven't been studying and my grades are dropping. sucks. hai.. msn nick: "either make the best use out of time or forget it! hai... i'm just wasting my time: unproductivity. =( hai...."
forget abt it = commit suicide.
but i WON'T. i get so pissed when ppl start telling me tt they want to commit suicide? cus it simply affects me. ya.. i know; i'm weak. that's why i say, kelly chua sucks. cya.
Savour Every Moment
