● @ Tuesday, July 11, 2006 ●
i'm so pissed. and i felt more pissed when that nicholas told me 'congrats' when i said my com jammed.
i type for more than a da** hour. and i did save it.. but through the com.. "copy". diddnts ave it anywhere other than in teh com memory. and the whole com suddenly when still. i waited. with my back facing the da** computer screen for so long but yet nothing happened. not even when i tried to save in my microsoft words or into the 'notepad'. what the what lor.
im feeling so angry that all my efforts are wasted. but yet, i dont want to talk abt the whole damn things again. sorry for the vulgaritties. but as i was saying earlier just now, i dont know why but i keep using all the vulgarities lately and i hate it. i dont know why. but i just hate myself recently. his links back to what happened today. I was so PISSED.
let me just cut this whole damn thing short. i was saying so detailed earlier and its now all gone. so fine. so be it. what the fffffffffffff manz. im so pissed. and ppl chatting with me are not helping my mood, for ur info. one person asking me when to go out to study with her when im not in the mood in the first place. the otehr one is so cheerful.
iargh............ crap. i think m gg to spoil my keyboard at the way i type them. sorry k my eng will suc* now. cus i dun care. just wana type this whole thing AGAIN. but in a shorter way of cus. what the.
im so pissed to type again lor. FINE. i start now ya?
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still so pissed.
hmph. ARGH. hai.. finally asked everyone to shut up. phew. hai..
wa liaow i dun wana type again man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how frustrating.
well..... yest. morning chi lesson i cried cus of sam's words. it made me upset.
after sch.. i went to Mrs J class as ive an appointment with her. i diddnt knowhow to start it but i eventually started it. it turned out to be more than just a qs from me. i revealed too much of myself to her yest and said too much. i kept crying several times by her replies. and each time i cry, she stop talking making me so abashed. most of the time, she was speechless and diddnt know how to reply. she just made me feel that she feels like crying too. she looked upset lor. i ended up accidentaly letting it slip from my mouth: about me contemplating suicicde.
she had initially wanted to refer me to teh counsellor Mrs lee but i refused desperately. (sorry ok i cant be bothered to think of better eng structure and phrasing. ). but when i talked abt suicide, she insisted that i am to see mrs lee as she said its a law for them to do that as im still a kid. so.... my one hr of talk with mrs jacob made me v sad and tired as i kept crying. i just felt that i told her just too many things. i can't believe i told her so much about my mum. i just felt so upset. anyway, my mum and i is not just another parent-child conflict. but i will NEVER say what our problem is as im abashed by it. happy? ya.
oh man! Mrs Koh just returned my call saying something! oh gosh... lol. she's improving my mood. . lolz.
ok let me continue. hai.... mrs J then asked Mrs lee and dragged mrs koh out of the meeting... mrs k told me that MJ was surprised abt me asking her on teh qs- the purpose in life and that really surprises me.... hai.. wa sianx. i dont feel like typing again. so anyway.. well.. MJ diddnt make me say out all my problems but Mrs Lee did, making me embarrassed. i was surprised that i cried when i said that i lost a friend whom ive known for 3 yrs. and mrs koh looked saddened about it but i said that im ok with it now. but then i was thinking: if im ok with it, will i still be crying now? no i wouldn't isn't it. so i just listed out some of my probs but i diddnt mention all of them though. she said that iw as very matured.
i was taken aback by her words. but yet.. i feel that isn't my reply part of being practical, anaylytical and possibly understanding for my mum? hai.. i used to be very happy when ppl said that i'm matured. mr wong first said that i am a 'wise' person. lol.. i was so delighted when i heard that. but after while, as others say that im matured, i found it less attractive. i just feel that there's no big deal as everyone will some day be matured in their thinking isn't it? so there's nothing much to be happy about.
so well... mrs lee and mrs koh... well... i just feel that too many things happened all at once yesterday and i feel that i can't take it. too many things to reflect over and i cant stand it.
I slept at SIXPM yesterday after taking my dinner and shower. i cant believe it. its totally ridiculous and incredible. i woke up at 3AM but my mood was bad and i couldnt bring myself to do any studying. i diddnt bother to study for my bio test. so i just tossed myself in the bed feeling so confused and entangled in my own thoughts. i just can't understand why this is happening to me. I felt paranoid. i was worried if i would be in this stae for teh rest of my life. i was very paranoid and confused. hai...
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i woke up this morning... took class pic but i guess i look bad today. lessons are boring. except chemistry. sam kept talking and i had to be frank with her and askedher to keep quiet. i just feel bad being crude to others. MJ saw me and told em some bio stuff and i just stared at her.. cus i feel so odd! Knowing that she knows so much about me now. =.= argh.. hai...
my day was v v bad today. Partly due to the fact of some ppl's criticism. I was so da** pissed i can tell you. They told a friend of mine, about the bad stuff about me, hoping to influence her opinion about me. it made me extremly agitated. What do they want for heaven's sake?? Do they want me to in a state of seclusion whereby i'm all alone? What the he** manz. If u wish to critisise me, by all means go ahead as this is a democratic country. but it just annoys me and irritates me that there are such ppl.
I just felt so PISSED. and that da** girl, she's a BIG hypocrite manz. She acts well.. in front of me, she is so friendly. but at the back, she talks bad about me. still talks to me in such a nice and gentle way this morning "kelly......" when she's been talking bad about me since April. i just get so disgruntled these days just at the sight of her.
After feeling annoyed, as usual, there will be this state of sadness for myself. i just felt upset. people don't say things without reasons. I just hate myself sometimes. why must i be this way? Whiel walking home, i was thinking of what mrs koh said to me yesterday :"all of us are here for a reason". i pondered over it and all my replies to it were negative. and i was smiling away wheni was thinking about it. hai... i just hate myself. why must i be this way? I just felt so upset.
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the sight of an old granny simply depresses me. i thought abt it again. would i want to live till that age where we are left with almost nothing? Knowledge all amost forgotten, living in a society with so much apathy around us? Look at the children thsese days. most just dumped them at the old folks home and they are left fprgotten. do i want to be in such a useless person to teh society and possible a detriment to others? When we are old, money is almos useless. All the vigour, youth and beauty is gone. You will seem like an old rug. do you want tobe in sthat stage? personally i don't. crap. i'm crying now. hai... I just don't want to live till that age where we'vealmost nothing left.
some may argue that when one's old, there'll be fond memories to reccount on. but i dont think i will have much fond memories. i must admit that i am a pessimistic person. My memories are all so sucky. i dont see anything nice that has happened to me. even when a guy chased after me, i found it very upsetting. recently some guy chased after me, and i felt so upset over it. even with such a simple stuff, i was upset over it. hai.. i dont understand. there's nothing nice! Maybe on my b'day last year? But that was only so-so. i dont see anything that's nice in my life lorz. and maybe shopping? but even then, i find all these v artificical. hai..
gd. ive stopped crying. sigh... so back to that old granny.. hmm... why am i talking abt it again? sigh.. well.. i just dont wish to live till that age. and if i dont intend to live till that age, what am i doing here now? i just feel that im just wasting nature's resource, my dad's money and a nuisance to others. life would probably be so much better for everyone iff im not around isn't it. hai.. sometiems when i am studying, i stop to wonder why im still here.. and of all things, studying. i don't understand. so i started crying while doing my hw. how lame and ironical. hai.. i wanted to ask MJ to tell tell me the easiest way to commit suicicde but i've no guts to do so. but sigh.. i should have asked her before telling her that i wana commit suicide. hai.. what a waste. /
i dont understand why the hell i am being counselled. i am not very keen inc ontinuing to live anyway so what for waste everybody's time. hai.. but the big problem is how am i to die in a nice way and not that painful for myself? hai.. i thought of one way. asking someone to murder me without me knowing. but gotta give me time in advance first la. i say gd bye to everyone and give my stuff away then i go. that would be nice. oh man. im crying again. hai.. but that would be nice isn't it? sigh... i just love that thought but i cant understand why im crying again. hai.. but that would be nice isn't it? sigh... i just love that thought but i cant understand why im crying now. hai..
in conclusion, i just feel that the counselling from MJ, Mrs k and Mrs L just made me worst. i can't forget what happened cus teh issue just seem bgger now. hai... i am sick of it. ya. any one of you hate me a lot? I will pay tyou money for killing me. i'm serious. just give me tiem in advance will do. i am serious. this life's so sad. hai.. i am not who i want to be.
when i think that i'm good in something i'm not. i thought i was good at literature but it turned out that i was wrong. i could tell my dad was disappointed too. cus he felt that i'm a "arts" person and nota "science" person. he said that to teh principal and teh rest when i dropped phy in the meeting room. i always feel very sad whenever he speaks of this. because my lit is bad. my humanities is bad too.. Mrs Zamree expressed her disappointment with me, making me so upset.
science is not myy cup of tea either. i thought i was good in biology. mrs jacob may think that i'm good in it.. so may my classmates. but i feel that i'm not good in it. it's simply because i remembers the ans.. i do it in teh dead way.. remb teh ans may give u success but it wont bring u far. besides, my memory is bad. my chem isnt gr8 all teh while. my math? I was never good at it. i find my performance extremly artificial. i am doing "well" but I find myself very disappointing lately.
I realised that I was unable to recall how I was supposed to do logarithms despite doing it thrice successfully. What the he**. I feel that if I have understood it, I would have reembered how to do an d not forgetting it. So why the he** did I forget how to do them? I just felt so upset and disappointed with myself.
So how? I’m bad in my studies. What else am I good at huh? Wasting others’ time and resources? I just find myself so disappointing. I don’t understand why I’m sitting here now. I am so confused now. Half of myself feel like dying right now but yet, I am worried about my studies.. cus I’ve wasted about 3 hrs so far. hai.. I guess it’s because I know that I am still unable to go. How sad… if only I have the courage to just commit suicicde. I was thinking of sleeping pills. But so sad. MJ said it hurts. Maybe I can ask her again about it. But she won’t want to ans. Hai… So anyone want to murder me? Do tell me and I’ll really pay you for doing that. I’m not lying. Just tell me in advance will do. Thanks.
Anyway, I was so disappointed when Mrs J couldn’t ans to my qs about the purpose in life. I cried when she told me flatly that she couldn’t ans it. hai.. how sad.
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