● @ Thursday, July 13, 2006 ●
Feeling much much better now. I'm serious.
My condition was quite bad yesterday. I was slept at 7pm after taking my dinner plus shower. yep. i only did that. i diddn't do my lit poem 12 at all but thank goodness that mad woman didn't realise. Again, like the prev. night which i slept at 6pm, i woke up at 3am. i started having suical thoughts again. i brainstormed till like siao. surprisingly and amusing, my thoughts started linking to biology and chem. in bio u know the topic on respiration? yea. I started thinking of strangling myself or hanging myself. then i thought of chem where we learnt about air pollution- CO, CH4 gases etc. and i thought of feeding such gases to myself to end my life. then i thought of drowning in a sea and lots of other ideas.
But.. after lots of crying and headaches while thinking of these stuff last night, i was slightly frightened. I was uncertain if i was ready to go. I just felt that if my life has indeed of no value to me, i would not be crying so uncontrollably everytime i think of suicide or death. Sometimes, esp in sch, i will just look at my palm as my palm's always red in colour. like for instance today in the hall where thoughts of suicide came knocking onto my door. I looked at my brightly coloured red palm and i was thinking if I'm dead, I will no longer be able to move at all, and my palm would not be red at all isn't it. It would be pale in colour instead.
I also felt that if i end my life, there would be no turning back at all. What if I regret after commiting suicide? Wouldn't it be sad? I just found myself being so ironical. I am always motivating others not too give up, and to think twice before acting, ensuring that we won't be regretting over our mistakes. But am i thinking the way that i am saying? I just found myself so ironical. Hence i concluded that i should not act so rashly. I've really got to remidn myself that if I really cherish my life, will I still be crying uncontrollably everytime I think of my own's death (suicidal one)?
Anyway, I felt better today after Dr. Lau's EL FOCUS where she mentioned one part about us surviving for knowledge. I just find that it sounds dumb by the fact that i can be motivated just by seeing such a statement, esp since I todl Mrs J and perhaps Mrs Koh that I'm sick of studying. so... I guess I wasn't thinking when i said that isn't it. hmm.. maybe it's due to stress. I dunno. I just wana withdraw my statement. I went for band practice today and i felt so much better! I played my best in my Clarinet and I was glad that i still sound fine. :) I was pleased with myself and I was grateful that Ms Dorean tan didn't come harassing me today. phew..
After that, i decided to go for a haircut. er... i didn't ask for the hairstyle which i'm currently having. i look so young! But i just felt much better after having my haircut. so i guess Mrs Koh was right about saying something about our hair... anyway, mrs zamree was looking at our sec one band pic and she said i looked so young in that pic. she sounded so surprised that it makes me feel very old.... :( 2 person recently said that i look like i'm someone in my late 20s. Wa liaow. i freaked out lor. haha.. one of them is nicholas.
and there's also one thing which made me wake up slightly from my state of depression. that mad woman gave us SO MaNy hw today making me stressed. And i dont know why but i like that feeling! And i felt.. how sad if i'm dead and am unable to have such emotions. lolx. Ridiculous as it may sound, I am amazed how it improved my condition slightly. lol. haha.. Now i find it so interesting.. why I like the feeling of stressed. Jia Ming once told me that he tried to clear his sadness by making himself busy so that he won't think about them.
oh man! This is the same as what mrs koh said about my dad...... hmm... interesting.. let me speak of yesterday..
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Yesterday- wed. I started crying during lunch as sam spoke of purpose in life and i remembered what mrs koh told me the day before about her son asking teh reason for eating (yep.. she mentioned abt it today..). the moment i thought of that, my taste buds went numb and i found my food so blant and ginny started asking me why i'm so sian. And that was when i started crying. lol.. as lame as wierd as it is.. but ya. that's what happened as i was very emotional for the past few days. But im feeling better now. :)
during math lesson, mrs k spoke to me asking me to meet her after sch which is phy FOCUS. so i just met her whiel 5N1 had their math FOCUS. we talked in mr wong's odl homeroom and i wasn't bohered to turn on the lights. as usual, i kept crying... BUT she improved my condition and made me feel better and i appreciate that. :) we talked till we exceeded into MJ's bio FOCUS time and i was late for her lesson.
but as usual after crying, i wouldn't have teh mood to do anything else. ya.. and i returned hoem sleeping at 7 lor.. but what's over is OVER.
I've decided to try my best facing my obstacles bravely and I realised that isn't it againt my personal values to run away from my problems? I just can't imagine considering myself trying to help others when they're in need.. oh dear.. I even thought of being a counsellor once as i enjoy giving advices and helping others when they're in need. but obviously not at the moment though.. i've got to save my own neck first manz.. hmm...
Oh man! I just realised something. I've always told others that things are always A Blessing in Disguise! lol... And things always happen for a reason! hmm.. this whoel imccident makes me realise that when one falls into the dark side, all positivity would be gone and even their own values.. hmm.. Reminds me of Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith.. a movie with lots of meaning. and they were encouraging others to read Tues with Morrie today.. well its a gr8 book which made me so inspired and made me cry.. hmm.. maybe i should read it up again.. hmm..
enough for today. i 've wasted my mon, tue and wed already. i need not explain isn't it. just by saying that i sleep at 6 / 7pm everyday is a good explanatin isn't it.. oh dear.. im gonna be stressed sia. hai.. BUT. being stressed is better than being dead. with the incapability to move, think and reflect. I just love to reflect.
And a learning lesson for myself:
1. think before you speak of others. 2. Having counselling isn't such a bashful thing after all. It helps. 3. Problems are always all around us; it's a matter of how we view it. 4. Things always happen for a reason; blessing in disguise! 5. Being immersed in one's work is a good way in escaping or postponing your problems. It may not sound practical since it does not solve our problem. But it's still a better solution then mine: contemplating suicide. 6. Thinking negatively bring you no where. 7. If i ever feel like contemplaying suicide again, I've got to remidn myself that being able to have the painful emotions (to feel the pain), is far better than being dead.
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i just remb another reason why my condition improve today. it's cus ms lim made us write an essay on "A person we admire most". I wrote on my dad, which strongly reminded me of what mrs koh told me yesterday.. and after writting out all the admirable aspects of my dad, it reminded me on how much i love my dad and how sad it will be for me to leave such a great person like him. and not forgetting how he would feel too (mrs koh reminded me a dozen times yest that its almost impossible to forget.. )...
Things happen for a good reason
It's better to experience pain than none.
Savour Every Moment
