● @ Tuesday, August 09, 2005 ●
Feeling rather stress now and probably that is what it is that is making me unable to concentrate... I wonder what is the problem. If i set targets for myself, chances of me getting stressed up is 85 to a 90% which is pretty high considering the num of times a major exam or test will come by. My EM and AM common test are on the 20th and 17th Aug respectively and it is really freaking me out as I have been failing math all these while. And therefore obviously very determined to d well this time round.
I supposed either i am being too hard on myself due to my studying timetable, or I am pressurising myself too much. hai..... And the feeling is simply sickening. And I think I am going a little crazy from the stress. haha... I am not crazy cus of that jellyfish ok, lyefong. haha. Its ridiculous when I found myself laughing in a hysterical manner when Mr Ouyang asked me on the phone what i was doing. I was doing a math sum and feeling so stressed up when he suddenly asked me. And that was what i did. I just laughed hysterically and I was crying. Crying not from my laughter but from something else, and i was amazed with that. What happened?
Whatever it is, I dont wish to care. But, the problem here is that i am unable to concentrate lar.. hai... Anyway, lyefong was agreat help to me this afternoon in tutoring math for me. thanks lyefong!!!!!!!!!!! =) *muakz* haha..
Next... well... It is madening me. though i see no reason why it should. I found out that one of the reasons why my 4 sec ones quit is because I am too fierce. And the only seniors that would scold them is radhia and I. And Radhia told me she has never scold them before. And of cus as an SL, i am guilty of that. I need to! hai....... Joyce wanted me to be strict on them, and hence I followed her instructions though i feel that I've not done to her satisfaction.
Enough of me pushing the blame to her. I felt quite distressed when I found out that they were fearful of me, as one of their reasons for quitting. hai.. Anyway i asked my sec 2 juniors personally and both hamimah and amnita said that i can be quite scary during sctionals when I am angry or serious. hai... and why do i have to look so fierce when i am serious....... hai.. Many ppl told me that le. and i dun understand....
As a solution i decided to smile more and have more jokes during sectionals. But whether they are staying in the band a not, is another issue. hai. And wellll.... I have a bad instinct... But we should not discourage ourself due to our mere instincts isn't it? Instincts can be a mislead to you and you will never know.
I wasn't able to let go off the sec ones initially. I could not bring myself to believe it, but I am now able to bring myself to see the reality bravely now. hai..... But.... It is pathethic having just ONE sec one in the clarinet section. And it is disgraceful. Clarinet section being one of the smallest num of sec ones. And i feel very 'throw face' when i see the num of sec ones the flautist are having. They have 4 good and obedient sec ones. I guess its just their luck. Cus mine are morecourageous and outspoken ones. hai..
And the feeling is back again. Having to smile when you are in a foul mood. Cus ppl will be wondering what's the matter with you when your face is always so sad.. hai... and i wonder why we can't we allow our facial expressions to be the way it is, without anyone loooking at it. But the gd part of it is that it shows that there are people arnd us who care for us.
hai.. I do not know what to say now. Sometimes i just hope we can just stay in our own world for at least a week, with no worries at all. A holiday isn't a holiday if you are always worrying. The moral of the story? Worrying is the one factor that will make you die earlier. haha.
Feeling pretty down now though i have no idea what's the source of it. stress leads to depression. that's for me. haha. and i detest the feeling of depression. I should not be having such emotions when studyying for my tests actually..... I think i better go and sleep. Though it will make me feel worst athat thought as that means that work are not completed.
hai.. let me change the topic. I realised what it was that is making me worried for jensen. Cus he is showing either some signs or "signs" of some sadness due to me rejecting him. At first i was unable to understand why i was feeling worried that I may be hurting his emotions. Cus i felt that he is a jerk, yet i am worried for his emotions. I found my ans this evening as I was looking at the sunset. well. To be perfectly frank its because.. hai.... I felt severely hurt several times in his shoes in the past. Now jensen is in my past shoes and I feel that it is probably a retribute to myself. What a pester I was.
At first i was v curious in the ways a boy would find topics to discuss with teh one he likes, just to have some communication. But it became boring after a while of my observation. And i realised that a cycle have started. It was once me myself, annoying and irritating someone; or so i feel. Now, it is someone else annoying and irritating me. hai.. All for the same reasons: The attempt to communicate with the one they like. hai..
As time goes on began to realise that if the feelings are not there, it would be hard to foster some feelings for one another. It took me 3 years to realise that there is simply and indeed simply, no point in forcing some sort of feelings from the opposite party. Whatever it is that I feel is the reason for failing all these while; I have aldready dropped all of them. I just gave myself a clear reason: It is not there in the first place.
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I may give myself a thousand and one excuses for failing, but i feel it is better to let reality hit me straight. I thought I could never get myself out of the pond in an attempt to cach the one golden fish in my eye among all the other silver fishes. I thought I would have been swimming around in circles in an attempt to catch the golden fish for my entire life or even drown in a quickest and easiest attempt to escape frm my difficulty. But I have proven myself wrong today. I am out of the pond now and it appears that the golden shade of colour on that fish is wearing off bit by bit, day after day.
Hence what matters most to me is the lesson I have learnt in my attempt to catch you, my golden fish. You make me learn how to appreciate a person from the inside, and that the internal of one can be more beautiful and everlasting than the external can be. Next is the trust that needs to be grown in me before I can start trying to chase after the golden fish. And lastly you the golden fish have taught me something valuable: how to let go when it is time to do so.
* The I is representing the author which is describing herself as a puppy and it is dedicated to her golden paper crane
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Savour Every Moment
