● @ Friday, July 22, 2005 ●
Here I am again.. hmm.. Thinking of how to start this entry.. hmm... A busy week so far.. Anyway, Had changed my phone plan on the 15th to be precise, and I certainly hope i have no regrets about my change of phone plan. But i have certainly made this plan worthwhile as my incoming calls is a total of 5hrs and 46mins so far.. haha... 22-15= 7 days? lolz... But this is marvelous as I will feel less broke when i pay my phone bill which is obvious more expensive than my previous one... Knowing that i have used approximately 6hrs of incoming calls every week.! haha.. Besides, every 4th month of mine, will entitle me a free subsription.. meaning that i need not pay the $25.20 for every 4th mth....
Plenty of problems had been surfaced recently and well... I don't seem to be able to take them as well as i used to do. I used to be one who is pretty conservative in terms of speech. Meaning that I am one keeps most of my emotions and thoughts to myself and hence not talking much. However my life took for a turn recently. I realise that I am much vocal recently.. and well.... Emotions changes. I was once a depressed person who took things negatively and well, sadly. I am not too sure if i am now a brighter person compared to the past, but I am sure of a change. I get angry really easily. I was wondering if it is due to a change in hormones or is it my environment? Unable to think of other factors at the moment.
A surprising thing here is that I am feeling less stressed up this year with my studies as to compared with lat year's. Or perhaps am i too numb with stress? Whatever it is, I don't want to care about this. I just feel that I am really slacky and sloppy this year. After a check around, I realised i was not the only one feeling this way. Others had agreed with me that after returning home from school, one will feel much more lethargic than the past years.
I feel that there is something disturbing.. well, I just can't control myself these months. It is that if i am feeling tired and leathrgic, I would come to such a point that i am unable to control myself unlike last year. I would be able to lengthen my studying time last year, but not this year. hence it made me think if it is due to the change of attitude i am having toward studies, or is it really due to me being both mentally and physically tired? I guess i just need to rmind myself constantly, that I was the one who had wanted to enter the first class. It was my decision and no one had pressurised me to do so. Therefore.. hai... I just have to cope with al my 9 subjects..
Though i am growing increasingly tired with all my 9 subjects. It is a boring lifestyle you know, you reach home, enter the room and you spend the rest of your evening till night in it doing your school work while occasionally switching on the computer..
Life is so dry and boring this way. But I must admit that i am rather obstinate and adamant (perhaps its a word too strong.. hmm) to changes. Yes, we need to have changes in our life to improve our habbits and styles.. But changes are hard to cope and tis is something which i need to learn to cope with.
Back to the point about emotions. I get unpleased easily and i can't seem to act as well as i used to do. My facial expression is just too tight.. sigh.. though of course, i am still able to fool some to think that i am pleased when i am actually not. haha... This is a fun part.. convincing others that you are fine with it when you are actually not. hai... and ya.. I get unhappy and agitated easily... And ya, i am unable to detatch myself from anger.
This is a stupid one. I was so angry that time that it affected the math test that i was taking after that. What the heck man. But my emotions later took a twist as ihad felt guilty and upset- not surprising though.
Hadn't i once said that ms tan treats me rather ok? But not this time.
She is really boiling my blood these few weeks she comes.
If there is one thing I detest: That is to criticise my leadership.
What the heak. I was so angry with when she said that I was hopeless and a lousy leader. Cus I am now the SL.. And it was very obvious to her, since she loathes Radhia. hai..
But after a while, i just have no choice but to accept the fact. hai.. Cus i have yet to prve her that I am worthwhile to lead this section. Next, the clarinet section is PATHETHIC. Emphasis on that word is something which i really want to do.
My playing is bad. And my section can't play one. And even if they do, i do not know. They play so softly. Most of the times, It appears that i am the only one playing. What man. And even if i can hear them, either the tone isn't nice or, not playing togethr. Therefore, messy and uncoordinated playing.
And, the sec 2s are throwing my face. They can't even play Acclamations and Majestia songs properly. Blue Ridge Saga, rushing. Goodness sake, these 3 pieces are sec one songs. So what if i can play????????????????????????? I am still a lousy leader ! And radhia can't play properly and i am just like one odd-ball. The sec ones wil be like listening to me, even when there are other seniors around too. Isn't this a shame? It will look like the leader is so selfish, but to ensure that she plays well, but not the section.
As a section leader, I feel very humiliated to have people who can't even reach my standard. Cus i feel that I have a very low standard. sigh.. perhaps ms dorean tan squashed my ego in clarinet playing into pieces. Whatever it is, my standard isn't too high to reach. And don'ttalk about reaching standards. Why can't they play together and practise their clarinet too!!
It is ridiculous. I bring my clarinet home to pratcise and they don't. Yet i play better than them (s thick..haha). What is this? the better ones practising but not the inferior ones?? And don't they speak of the idea of giving up. I hate that idea.
NExt. Radhia. Er. sometimes i wonder what's wrong with her. Something is wrong and i gotta try to help her though how unhappy i am with her. just talked to tanshin for 31mins.. there u go.. see how i makes use of my phone plan.. haha.. . anyway she some sort cooled me down as she had chatted with me.. hmm. radhia.. she's the same age as me. And i see no reason why our standards can be distinguishly apart.. hai.. and she doesn't practise her clarinet so frequently.
If you are not even willing to help yourself, you may as well forget about wanting your teacher to help you.
Enough of me venging my anger though i feel increasingly edgy and fustrated as i type. but i am ok now as i have just have a nice chat with tanshin.. I have learnt something valuable in band pract today.. how to count the "on and off" beats.. I was totally clueless abt what jia ming was talking about hwn he told us about it on one of the practices. And well.. A good realisation was that i am much more attentive during ms tan's lesson as i am trying to find ways to teach my section juniors.. I may understand, but what is the use if my juniors are unable to do so?
anyway, i had a count today.. I have 8 juniors. Amnia, hamimah, vivian, Rebecca, syaheera, Wei lin, Dong Hao, Gou Jie. I am supposed to have 9 little sheeps. But somehow one of my little sheep ran away saying that he had asthma... 8+rad+me=10!! =) its plenty and little.. i used to have only.. 5 juniors. cus wei lin in china, and the res dun wana come..
There was once when attendence was perfect. And it is a very nice sight from my seat, which is the first seat. so many clarinets!!!!! =) But it is sad that there are so many clarinets.. but.. where is the quality? hai.. But i always have to ask myslef.... how do i expect my juniors to improve if my playing isn't good? anywy i felt so stressed up on wed.. being the SL is not so easy as i had thought.. u need to care about their files, reeds (they go to me for it), music playing, posture, attendence, etc.. I dun wish to be so fussy to care about attire ba.. haha... cus my past few SL was very bothered abt attire, etc...
The first person i have ever dropped in my entire life is Amnita. hai.. joyce told me i was allowed to punish people as i am the SL. i was shocked when i heard that... anyway, i dropped amnita for failing to give me a good reason for not coming for the past few practices these few weeks. her reasons were absolutely invalid and nonsensicle.
I doubt i have much to write at the moment.. hmm...
Having some questions for myself recently.. How i am going to bring myself to stand in front of the class and teach the class in say... 10 years down the road if i really intend to take teaching as a career? the courses i am to take when i enter a JC since that is where have decidde to enter. But lastly, the main qs here is, where and what is my speaciality? Trying to find my own speaciality had made myself depressed and i take it that you get my meaning. sigh..
And... how high of an education do i want to expose myself to? Do i want to get into a university? The ans was set straight for myself as the hairdressed had asked me this qs when she was cutting my hair... I was wearing my school uniform and she asked i am in a JC. haha.
If i am to enter a university, do i really want to follow in my dad's shoes and get to the highest level anyone can possibility get which is PhD? u may say that it would be easy to follow in my dad's path since he has done it before. However, i have seen how hard he had worked.. and well... it is a really long and tedious process for anyone. but this qs does not trouble me much.. the biggest and most disturbing qs is about my speacialtity.
The sadest thing is that i am still searching for my speaciality and i am having a hard time.. and i really wonder how i am going to get out into this world and to work by all myself independently, instead of leaning on my parents' income.
And i hope to share an experience learnt a week ago.
That is to cherish every friendship you have as friendships are fragile and difficult to keep.
Hence, cherish is the key word to everything... and... misunderstandings are so easy to ome by, in your life.
Shall not be elaborating too much... I am tired..
and ya.. this week and the previous one, made me realise how irritating it is for someone to consistently glance at you, or doing stupid stuff at the direction you are facing. I just hope that Jensen can be more matured and realise that i will NEVER accept him as my boyfriend. and leave me alone in peace. He is irritating enough. hhaha.. anyway, i wonder why he isn't sick of my face. It is so boring to keep cracking you head loking at the same person always, for no apparent reason. He said my hairstyle not nice. My repky was:"so? whats the problem?". Not nice dun see le lar.. than still wana see what man. it is boring..
Life, is all about the choices that we make.
And I sincerely hope that all my 3 dear friends can always bear that in mind.
It it simply hurtful to see someone regretting over his/ her mistakes. Whether you have agony over it, the fact is still there. You have made the wrong decision.
Kelly
11.13PM
Savour Every Moment
