● @ Saturday, June 11, 2005 ●
Here I am again. This time feeling satisfied with my computer as it has been quite a smooth surfing of net for me so far.. Though I have visited the internet this afternoon.
How are the 2 of you? haha.. I am refering to no one but Jessica and Jia Ming. Though it is not surprising if none of them has losen interest in reading. Since it is my fault for being so busy and perhaps should i say Reluctant, to update my blogger. It just feels that like it has been a long while since the day i had really poured in my heart to a blogger typing.
It has been a long time since I've last entered my site since i had trouble entering since 2 mths ago. And well, I found the Avril Lavigne's music unsually pleasaning to my ears. Which after much thoughts, is a sign of bad news. An indeed, something is wrong.
I must say that my days that passed me have not been a really happy and pleasaning one so far. Just days of disappointment for myself. I feel that i am a failure. An absolute failure as to why i have ended up in this state now. Never mind the optimistic remarks i should be saying to myself that will act as a sort of mind-reliver for myself.
I am awfully disappoitnted with myself and for the thousandth times, I wonder what my dad had meant when both he and Mrs Jacob curbed my doubts on me being able to make it into the first class. What had they meant than??? Let me leave MJ out first. He was confident that i willl eventually cope all my subjects in the first class. And now, he intends to make me drop certain subjects. 2 subjects in fact, as to what Mrs Koh had suggested.
Thinking back, I am in a great fury with Mrs Koh. She knew very well that i have a strong pride. She knew it. I am fully conscious over her awareness as she had told that teacher about it. And he had obviolusly told me about it. And there she was, suggesting to my dad on the night of meet-the-parents session. How gr8. My dad found it a wonderful idea and i came to a disastrious realisation. A realisation that was surfaced by my dad who hadn't the slightest idea how I have been feeling. He said I was not suitable for Science and much for suitable for Lit, and my other humanities. Therefore he draw an equal sign for these few subjects to the subject Art. Erm.. Art meaning not the usual drawing.
My hopes were crushed.
1. My desire is to be a teacher in future. Nt the sort of journalist, etc.. I have no fondness of journalism at the moment, by the way.
2. I love the subject Science and had always took pride in it. How could he suggest shifting me to another class??? I was terrified and stunned by this petrifying, horrifying and ridiculous idea of his. What a ridicule for myself. That is what i feel.
I am just unable to understand why he himself had than said confidently together with mrs jacob half-a-year ago, during the PSG session. at the canteen. sigh.. i am still able to recall the occassion vividly. Why?? It means so much to me, taking all 3 pure sciences in case he hasn't the faintest idea of that. As for mrs jacob, well.... I shall talk to her about this the next time when we are okay for a chat. Besides, I have other enquiries too.
Enough of some broken dreams. What am i to do? Well.. I have decided to prove to that form teacher of mine, that I am able to cope all my ten subjects perfectly well. That she need not make me drop 2 subjects. Anyway, let me drop my serious mood now. I just wana say "wa liaow" to her. Grrrrrrrr..
I will prove her wrong!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hmph. hai.. An air full of arrogance on the outside but in it contains a disappoitnted and almost discouraged soul.
Now, let me tell u how pathethic it is.
I know of a friend in this class. Not naming who she is.
She did not study before-hand. All her studying were all crammed up till the very last day.
And
She scored tremedously well.
hai..
She managed to enter the top 5 in the class position. sigh..
Other than her being a bright and intelligent student,
I can herby conclude that
by grasping the subject realy well during lessons and handing in all hw promptly consistently, will gain you nothing, but good results.
Now let me say in a greated detail over my results.
Eng compo was a disastrious state. My essay was unbalanced. The marker was a strict one, according to Ms Lim. She gave me a 15/30. But i could tell she had initially thought of awarding me a 17. This shows that she likes it (=)) but she had to give me a 15 to teach me a lesson. Well, I will make sure this never occurs again. hai.
The paper 2 was an lol. Now let me rephrase this. haha.. Well, my marks for the paper 2 was one that made me laughed over it. I had managed to scrap an A. Almost an A1, but not quite. I missed by a mark. But i just feel that I was just, lucky. ya.. That's why that paper is an LOL one. haha.. For your information, it is a rare case for myself to be scoring at such mks. Ppaer one is usually an asset for myself. But it is completely different now. Now my paper one is a detriment to me. Not that i want to say this. Besides, I am reallly surprised with myself over my EL ppaer 2 mks. Even Ms Lim was too, and I could tell that she's proud of me as she had called me "good girl!" and with an encouraging smile at my nervous face, she passed me my marked script.
CL is an LOL too. Though it less comical these time.. as there are no surprises this time. Just that i was.. well.. hmm.. disappointed that I wasn't able to pass my chinese paper. But it appears that I am not the last in position this time. hee haa.. I'm a horse now.
E.M and A.M.. Well... I failed both 2.. I felt and feel terrible about it. But E.M had a greater impact on myself as it came as a great shocker for myself as though I am blind enough to be unable to forsee that I will not be capable enough to pass my math. The first ppaer came into my hands. I failed. I felt really bad at that moment. And i was awaken from my dreamy state. Fratically, I started calculating how much it is needed of me to acquire in my paper 2 should i want to save my E.M. Hence I had obviously went to take take my E.M paper 2 wth a pcture of the marks that is pressed so deeply on my head that I felt so tensed. And well, luck was not by my side and I failed. I said flatly to Hai Yu.
In my own desperate and pacnic world which i see no reason why I should be at that time, I told hai yu my situation. That i have been failing most tests so far. hai. hmm.. Now here is one occassion that makes me extremly unpleased with Mrs Koh till date. I had asked for a mark in my paper 2 as this mark will mean that I have passed my pap 2. Though that does not make much a difference to my total marks since I had failed terribly for ppaer 1. She gave me the one m which i found illogical.
By than, most of the people had cleared out and the class was left with only Mrs Koh and I. Other than my kind and caring friend that is lye fong who helped me to keep my belongings and carried my bag while she waited for me. At that time, I was at the verge of tears as I had felt extremly disappointed with my math. Tears were aldready beginning to will up at the bottom of my eye lids and I could tell she saw it as we were less than an arm length apart from each other and she was starting to look at me really closely.
Here is what she did which made me name her, an insensitive teacher. She is well.. Far too practical i must say. She asked me qs such as if I have studied, etc. Words that will spark one to have more tears, naturally. When I finally could not take it any longer, ttears just flowed freely and that was only when she had let me off. After this incident, Lye fong is also quite angry with her..
But I must say that this is one of her excuse for criticising her.. haha.. Cus she dislikes mrs koh much more than I do. In fact, she detests Mrs Koh. And what she said was right, Mrs Jacob would not treat me the same way should the teac. be her. She seems to realise recently that I am pretty close with Mrs Jacob. And i wonder what caused her so. Anyway, from the situation that has just been mentioned, I can tell that she is a really goog and nice friend. A friend that oughts to be cherished. Anyway, I wasnt caught by a slight surprise when i found out that i had failed my A.M. And I felt reluctant to ask for mks. sigh..
Bio was ok for me lar.. Just that i had wanted to.. sigh.. I just felt disturbed with what I had been thinking so far. I could not believe it myself when I found myself feeling a slight disappointment for not being top in Biology. But its alright now.. Phy... Was a heart breaker as I had failed it terribly.. hai.. BUt i managed to ask a total of 4 mks out from mr teo. sigh.. BUt still, i failed. I felt really bad for phy. Chem is an okok not until i compared myself with the rest. hai..
Humanities is a subject i wish to stranggle myself. What a pile of shit man!!! My lit, everything was fine.. hitting its distinction. Till I met my poetry mks. I am EXTREMELY disgusted with the mks. sigh.. Ignorance is the cause for this. hai... This is my first time in my sec life, that i have to get a kind of mks that the majorities are facing. DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't believe what i saw initially. But i accepted it nonetheless.. hai.. To be frank, i got 6/25. disgusting right????? I should be getting 17-22. And this is what it turned out to be. It pulled down everything. and i endde up getting a 61. To make matters worst, Ms sophia had keyed my ms in wrongly. she typed 51 instead, much to my horror when i checked. 61 is an embaressing le.. 51??! ririculous.
There was once when i caught priscilla flipping through my paper when ms sophia passed mine down the row. I was simply, fustrated and furious with her for doing so. But i found out that she had scored lower than me in that section with teh help of jervenne. Much to my delight She wana compare? go ahead. I will make sure i top her man. hai...
Both hist and SS is another one. The are quite a few qs i had scored full mks or missing with one or 2 mks. Gd right? But guess what. There would be one qs for both the subjs, that i flung terrily. One of them even had a ZERO mk. it was o/6 if i'm not wrong. Such detrimental mks really makes me disappointed. hai..
In conclusion, my exam papers were did terribly, which shows that i have no proper understanding in the topics i've covered this year. All my results sucks. That is the best and plain adjective i can give you. Therefore, I really deserve the class position I have at the moment. It is 26/39. And i intend to be i n the top 15 by the end of this year. I've got to "murder" a lot of students i guess.. That was the word used by my dad. hai.... This time round, I must really give myself a big push as I've not being doing very well. In fact, it is atrocious.
Pushing 11 ppl behind me is still not enough. I've got to push away more than 11 to be stable. By than, I will be pleased. I just gotta believe in myself. sigh...
Anyway.. Look at the time written at the end of this entry. 9.19 isnt it? that was my starting time. It's 11.33 now.. And I am tired.. I wana take another shower.. Before I continue reading my book.. The book containing 474 pgs to be precise. That is my EL hw. haha.. Not that we are required
Savour Every Moment
