● What's the use?? Of living.. @ Sunday, July 04, 2004 ●
Thursday... Reach school.. feeling quite sad.. want to be left alone.. but.. this is something inevitable.. cuz how can u be left alone, with a crowd of friends? i cant possiblity ask them shut up right? than if i keep very quiet, they will ask me, if i'm fine anot.. then ask me y so quiet.. irritating.. so... got to force myself to talk together.. smile.. sian.
btw.. the prisc cried that thing is on thur... anyway.. felt qute down that morning.. but. mrs jacob, being mrs jacob cheered me up a little... indirectly lar. cuz suddenly, she started pointing at some of us, to come out.. at that time, we were in the hall for morining assembly.. i knew she was pointing at my direction.. but.. u know.. there's so many of us.. so i presumed she's not refering to me. so i turned ayway.. to my surprise, mrs jacob had indeed wanted me to come out. i found out that at the other sec 2 classes, tehir form teacher had also singled out some of their.
5 students incluing my class, were singled out by mrs jacob. she told us to wait for ms lilian leong. well.. class 2e1, 2e2 and 2e4.. the form teacher will select 5 students each from tehir own class (e1, e2, e4).. so.. there's a total of 15 students.. well.. the 15 of us got to go to botanic garden by ourselves... teh saturday after the next week. one of them is aloysius.. i had initially hoped that jiaming would not come.. but after what has just happened, im at a loss of what to do about him now. haiz.
ya... so that's all about that.
friday... in band, i kept avoiding the sec 3s's eyes.. haiz.. but.. still got to look at them after all... fine.. found out that im quite important to my section sec ones.. haiz.. most of them wanna sit next to me during main band.. why? cuz according to vivian, she said that if she sit next to me, she will not get lost, in her playing of music. haiz... i feel very sian leh. why must i everytime teach teh sec ones??? isnt priscilla and radhia sec 2s too??? or.. they are not seniors ar?? im very sian of teaching. Give Me A Break!!! It's extremly irritating at times.. to sit next to amnita. i wish we could take turns. and.. my msg to sec ones, is that: "U have other seniors to learn from. I'm not the only one. So pls dont always stick to me. It's very irritating at times". I say this also no use lar. haha. cuz now.. only 2 person being able to see this. It's Jiaming and Chenguang. cuz i deletd everyone liao... from entering this site.
Actually.. friday should be a nice pract for me.. but.. looking back.. and im in a foul mood now.. nothing looks nice at the moment. why nice ar? haiz... cuz ms tan praised me a couple of times at my mucic playing.. haiz.. than joycewanna me to lead warm ups.. following that.. sectionals.. i played quite ok lar.. at the heatherwood, clarinet solo part.. well.. at least according to joce conducting. but.. haiz. prisc and radhia could not play according to joyce's rythem. wadever.. k.. so.. at the end of it, joyce told me: "u've improved".
Friday night is the band alumni's first practice.. the next pract will be on teh 23rd this month. actually.. i came.. just to listen, and cuz.. haha.. someone is comming to.. haiz.. that was my reasoning last time. haiz.. anyway.. ya.. the alumni band sounded great.. reached home almost 11.. Haiz.. Got plenty of hw.. sian.. so. did them, when my section is not playing any music..
saturday.. reached band 1 hr late.. cuz i overslept.. christina woke me up.. she called my hp... asking me, why am i not in band.. so.. i slowly wake up.. cuz band starts at 10am.. and i woke up at 10.30am.. so.. no point rushing.. woke up.. ironed my sch uniform. haha.. ate breakfast.. packed my bag.. On my way to school, aloysius called my hp. groan.. Found out that the QM had got scolding from ms tan... when i reached teh band rm.. ms tan scoldings had stopped liao. isnt it such a coincidence? haiz.. but felt guilty.. cuz i had missed my share of scolding from ms tan..
saturday afternoon is teh SYF Opening.. no friends of mine went.. so.. felt quite lonely.. to be frank.. if tanshin, joyce, or rachel did not coem right.. i'm not going. cuz no other sec 2 friends mar.. when sitting down at the stadium.. i wasnt sitting with tanshin... than she called me.. wanna sit with me.. haha.. quite surprised.. than my dad ms'ed me.. say he but dinner for me liao.. took a bus home.. joyce and rachel too the same bus too.. cuz they wanna go ginza plaza eat.... than tehy told me a shocking nws.. a news.. which i do not feel like caring abt at the moment..
Sunday.. this morning.. was quite busy.. from the time i woke up.. haiz.. after eating my lunch.. washing my sch shoes.. called someone... haiz. we agreed at a time to meet each other at msn.. than go jurong east.. my dad go and buy a tix for later.. we are gg to watch Spider Man II later.. haiz. such pity it's today.. cuz.. i would not enjoy it much.. cuz.. feeling quite down.. haiz.
So the good news i have for myself, is that:
1. Watching Spider Man tonight.. (8.30pm at Jurong Entertainment Cntr)
2. Getting a new hp soon..
But.. i felt quite down after seeing someone online just now.. haiz.. after he has broken his news to me, i really felt like crying.. haiz.. in fact i did.. haiz.. but tried to control.. haha.. luck my dad nvr see. ya.. now in ntu.. haiz.. im not saying what he has told me.. haiz.. but.. it had upset me terribly..
But.. he has hurt my feelings alot.. haiz.. i dun think he meant it.. but.. no point telling me sorry.. haiz.. cuz what's done is done.. if he really wish to tell me taht, he need not say sorry after that. it's like.. u know u will hurt someone terribly.. yet still go ahead telling that person.. and t appologise at teh end of it. what's this? haiz.. but.. im not angry with him. just that my feelings is hurt. haiz.. i think he only meant for my own good.. i dun think i can ever forget... or even get over this. haiz.......
i'm now at a complete loss of what to do.. haiz.. i see there's nothing to stop me, from ending my life. haiz. -feeling extremly down-
06.15pm - 07.23pm
Savour Every Moment
